Saturday, December 26, 2009

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Sunday, December 20, 2009

White

20 December 2009

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Friday, October 23, 2009

Not A Constant

When I was young I said

We had all the time in the world

And didn't know

How little time there is in the world.

When I was younger I held

All the time in the world

For a moment.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Less

More bread and wine, less koolaid and twinkies. Because koolaid and twinkies are making me sick.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Balloons

24 September, 2009

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Joseph Mallord William Turner’s ‘Mortlake Terrace, the Seat of William Moffatt, Esq.; Summer’s Evening’

Torn -- Natalie Imbruglia

I thought I saw a man brought to life
He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
He showed me what it was to cry
Well you couldnt be that man I adored
You dont seem to know, dont seem to care what your heart is for
But I dont know him anymore
Theres nothing where he used to lie
My conversation has run dry
Thats whats going on, nothings fine Im torn

Im all out of faith, this is how I feel
Im cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
Im wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
Youre a little late, Im already torn

So I guess the fortune tellers right
Should have seen just what was there and not some holy light
To crawl beneath my veins and now
I dont care, I have no luck, I dont miss it all that much
Theres just so many things that I cant touch, Im torn

Im all out of faith, this is how I feel
Im cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
Im wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
Youre a little late, Im already torn. torn.

Theres nothing where he used to lie
My inspiration has run dry
Thats whats going on, nothings right, Im torn

Im all out of faith, this is how I feel
Im cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
Im wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
Im all out of faith, this is how I feel
Im cold and Im ashamed bound and broken on the floor
Youre a little late, Im already torn

The Middle -- Jimmy Eat World

Hey, don't write yourself off yet
It's only in your head you feel left out or
looked down on.
Just try your best, try everything you can.
And don't you worry what they tell themselves when you're away.

It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything everything will be just fine, everything everything will be alright alright.

Hey, you know they're all the same.
You know you're doing better on your own, so don't buy in.
Live right now.
Yeah, just be yourself.
It doesn't matter if it's good enough for someone else.

It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything everything will be just fine, everything everything will be alright alright.

Hey, don't write yourself off yet.
It's only in your head you feel left out or
looked down on.
Just do your best, do everything you can.
And don't you worry what the bitter hearts are gonna say.

It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything everything will be just fine, everything everything will be alright alright.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Shadow Dancer

12 September, 2009

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Reeling in the Years - Steely Dan

Your everlastin' summer, you can see it fadin' fast
So you grab a piece of somethin' that you think is gonna last
Well, you wouldn't even know a diamond if you held it in your hand
The things you think are precious I can't understand

Are you reelin' in the years, stowin' away the time
Are you gatherin' up the tears, have you had enough of mine
Are you reelin' in the years, stowin' away the time
Are you gatherin' up the tears, have you had enough of mine

You've been tellin' me you're a genius since you were seventeen
In all the time I've known you, I still don't know what you mean
The weekend at the college didn't turn out like you planned
The things that pass for knowledge, I can't understand

Are you reelin' in the years, stowin' away the time
Are you gatherin' up the tears, have you had enough of mine
Are you reelin' in the years, stowin' away the time
Are you gatherin' up the tears, have you had enough of mine

I spent a lot of money and I spent a lot of time
The trip we made to Hollywood is still etched upon my mind
After all the things we've done and seen you find another man
The things you think are useless I can't understand

Are you reelin' in the years, stowin' away the time
Are you gatherin' up the tears, have you had enough of mine
Are you reelin' in the years, stowin' away the time
Are you gatherin' up the tears, have you had enough of mine

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Sunflower Season

Sunflower season has ended and I know I will miss you when we mow down the stalks, my one who barely was.

It only hurts a little.

I See What She Has Made of Him.

I adore Saturday mornings.

When Baby is Daddy's and I am an outsider looking in.

Never understanding, sometimes questioning, in awe.

Of her little girl love, and his big man strength.

The parts of her that make him soft, and the parts of him that make her tall.

Of the way they talk and walk and play and fight and love

So different from me.

And I think

the greatest gift mom can give girl (now so blonde, so alive, so wild)

is Dad who can love her.

In arms, Dee and Raynie, each the other's whole world, perfectly fit together.

Too many words spoil things, but

it always comes back to this -- I wonder what she will become,

So loved.

Friday, September 4, 2009

To Juice

04 September 2009





Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Changing

1 September 2009

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Paine, Thomas

"An avidity to punish is always dangerous to liberty. It leads men to stretch, to misinterpret, and to misapply even the best of laws. He that would make his own liberty secure must guard even his enemy from oppression; for if he violates this he establishes a precedent that will reach to himself." -- Thomas Paine

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Pumping for E. - Post Two

I'm frustrated, exhausted, and honestly scared. Fully believe that I must be positive about this. Must. Remain. Positive.

Purposed: To make this work. And sleep less tonight if that's what it takes. = (

Today: Pumping at Monkey Joes, Night 2 of pumping. I haven't reached 24 hours yet, no great need for concern. (Yeah, right!)

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Pumping for E. - Post One

Eating organic oatmeal before what may well be my last uninterupted night of sleep for awhile. Someday, baby, you're going to know how much I loved you!

I'm excited, trepidatious. Mostly, I'm feeling optimistic.

Purposed: To nap with Rayne for the duration of this experiment.

Prayer: Let it work, let it work, let it work!

Tomorrow: With any luck, after Kindermusik I pick up the pump I will be borrowing.
Is hoping sunflowers always grow in July.

August came too soon.

it takes typos to tell the truth

Gates

22 August, 2009

28

21 August, 2009

Colorful Garden Yumminess

20 August, 2009

Monday, August 10, 2009

IYTO 2

If you're having a bad day, pull out the digital camera. She loves to see close up pictures of her ears, her feet, her knee. And she is crazy about making movies of herself. It burns time, it's easy, and it will put both of you in a better mood every time.

While I'm on the subject, for your own sake, take lots of movies, even 30 second clips. Pictures are great, but there's nothing like seeing that little smile or hearing her voice again once she's older.

Green Frog

09 August, 2009





Sunday, August 9, 2009

My yard at night

07 August, 2009





Saturday, August 8, 2009

IYTO 1

Blow dry her hair. Her hair responds so well to blow drying, and she loves having it blow dried. And she sits still. This may be your only chance all day to run your hands through her hair and listen to her.

If You're The One Who Watches Her Grow Up

I've thought this way since she was born. Maybe I'm morbid. Maybe I've seen too many people's dreams end. But if I didn't get to watch her grow up, there are things I'd want the Other One to know. So now I'm writing them down. My "IYTO" points. Funny thing is, they help me see my own priorties more clearly.

Friday, August 7, 2009

Lined

07 August, 2009



Thursday, August 6, 2009

Flutter by

06 August, 2009

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Little Wonders by Rob Thomas

Let it go, let it roll right off your shoulder,
Don't you know, the hardest part is over, let it in,
Let your clarity define you in the end,
You will only just remember how it feels.

Our lives are made, in these small hours, these little wonders
These twisted turns of fate, time falls away,
But these small hours, these small hours, still remain.

Let it slide, let your troubles fall behind you, let it shine,
Till you feel it all around you,
And I don't mind, if it's me you need to turn to, we'll get by,
It's the heart that really matters in the end.

Our lives are made, in these small hours, these little wonders
These twisted turns of fate, time falls away,
But these small hours, these small hours, still remain.
All of my regret, will wash away somehow,
But I cannot forget the way I feel right now.
In these small hours, these little wonders, these twisted turns of fate,
All these twisted turns of fate, these twisted turns of fate
Yeah, times falls away
But these small hours, these small hours, still remain.
They still remain, these little wonders, all these twisted turns of fate
time falls away, but these small hours, these little wonders
Still remain.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Breathe - Michael W. Smith

This is the air I breathe
This is the air I breathe
Your holy presence living in me

This is my daily bread
This is my daily bread
Your very word spoken to me

And I I'm desperate for you
And I I'm I'm lost without you

This is the air I breathe
This is the air I breathe
Your holy presence living in me

This is my daily bread
this is my daily bread
your very word spoken to me

And I'm, I'm desperate for you
And I'm, I'm lost without you

Saturday, July 25, 2009

New York Minute by the Eagles


Harry got up
Dressed all in black
Went down to the station
And he never came back
They found his clothing
Scattered somewhere down the track
And he won't be down on Wall Street
in the morning

He had a home
The love of a girl
But men get lost sometimes
As years unfurl
One day he crossed some line
And he was too much in this world
But I guess it doesn't matter anymore

In a New York Minute
Everything can change
In a New York Minute
Things can get pretty strange
In a New York Minute
Everything can change
In a New York Minute

Lying here in the darkness
I hear the sirens wail
Somebody going to emergency
Somebody's going to jail
If you find somebody to love in this world
You better hand on tooth and nail
The wolf is always at the door

In a New York Minute
Everything can change
In a New York Minute
Things can get a little strange
In a New York Minute
Everything can change
In a New York Minute

And in these days
When darkness falls early
And people rush home
To the ones they love
You better take a fool's advice
And take care of your own
One day they're here;
Next day they're gone

I pulled my coat around my shoulders
And took a walk down through the park
The leaves were falling around me
The groaning city in the gathering dark
On some solitary rock
A desperate lover left his mark,
"Baby, I've changed. Please come back."

What the head makes cloudy
The heart makes very clear
The days were so much brighter
In the time when she was here
But I know there's somebody somewhere
Make these dark clouds disappear
Until that day, I have to believe
I believe, I believe

In a New York Minute
Everything can change
In a New York Minute
You can get out of the rain
In a New York Minute
Everything can change
In a New York Minute

The Great Collection of Wonderous Quotes

"It's not cheap, honey. It's free. That's what makes it grace." -- Camille

"Religion is for the people who don't want to go to Hell. Christianity is for people who've already been there." -- Lee Clower

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Summer evening

23 July, 2009

Thursday, July 23, 2009

What do you do when you round the corner and find that your journey is taking you somewhere you never expected or even meant to go?

I was going to blog on facebook. I started to. I said, "I am blogging here because I might ask for advice. I might." Then I chickened out. I don't want to be that clear yet. I'm not that clear. I want to ramble, and explore, and not explain. So I'm back here.

"From beneath the clutter of our lives, O God, we call out to you.

It is not that we have chosen evil, but that we have pursued lesser gods until we have lost our way.

Our love has become too narrow, our excuses too wide. Our blaming has become too quick, our forgiveness too slow.

By your mercy, deepen our pride into compassion, our fear into courage. Change our frustration into creativity, our timidity into boldness.

Transform our prayers into actions for compassion and justice however small and simple they might be.

In spite of our weakness, make us strong, O God, as we work to uncover your heaven here on earth. Amen."

"Beneath the clutter of our lives" We are looking for a church. We don't want to. We love our church. But we need to be closer. And so we've looked, not daring to expect, barely ever hoping . . . And now we're here. We walked out of a church Sunday morning. It "failed" in the first fifteen minutes. I dare say, it was even before that. But can a church "fail"?? Who am I to set up criteria? And why did we feel so at ease twenty minutes later?

"Whenever we are insecure in our faith, whenever we fall into spiritual neglect or disrepair, God reaches out to steady us and to embrace us with a sure and complete forgiveness. All thanks and glory to God!"

Pure doctrine is most important to us, top of the list. Second to that, we desire a church that mirrors our thoughts on children. My child is not an accessory. She is a person, and in church, she is a fellow worshipper. I want her to be seen by our church as a smaller, more easily offended or distracted yet often purer, learning worshipper. When I come to church, I know that she is my child, but I want to be reminded that she is first my sister in Christ. Thirdly, I want my church to be a place where I am real. All week I am strong, when I lift my hands in church on Sunday, I need to be weak. When I bow my head, I need to be naked and safe. Fourth, we believe that perhaps a more high church atmosphere would fit our family better at this point in our lives. We are open to more litergy, and definitely less Awana.

"We gather for worship with faces deep-scored with years or smooth with youth.

We gather with faces animated by our feelings or covered by the masks we wear

Whether our faces are expectant or wary, intent or inquisitive, in worship all faces turn toward the face of God."

But how far can I go outside my comfort zone? What is comfort zone and what is purity of doctrine? Is who we include and who we exclude ever a tenant of our faith? Is that doctrine? What about when that person stands before me as a minister of God's Word? What now? What if that person doesn't look like me? Or what if she does look like me? What then?

Tears on both of our cheeks, and yet I'm scared. How far have we gone away from eveything we've known?

"Holy One, whose heart abounds with gifts, receive this offering as a sign of our intention to live surrounded by your mercy, inspired by your Spirit, open to the joy of your presence, hospitable to one another, and generous toward your world. Amen."

What do you do when you have laid your heart bare before God and asked Him to lead you to Himself and you find yourself here? Do you wait, and listen? Do you turn and run? Do you accept the fact that it was your own folly that led you in the doors in the first place? Does a parent lead a child astray when all they ask for is their direction? How wide can I let go? If I lift my foot to take this step will I ever find ground again?

If this is where we are called, if this is who He is, I know we will be questioned by everyone who cares. So I'm writing now. I'm not confused. I'm like a small child walking for the first time into a large cathedral. It's bigger than I imagined and I wonder I will ever feel comfortable again. Perhaps this is a place to learn, perhaps this is a place to rest, perhaps this is home. I don't know.

I don't know if this is truth or error. Either, I believe, can be so dangerous.

"We gather for worship with hands strengthened by long use or altered by injury.

We gather with hands calloused from hard laobrs or hands softened with tenderness.

Whether our hands are stiff or supple, in worship all hands reach toward the hand of God.

We gather for worship just as we are.Whatever face we wear or hands we use, our faith comes alive in our turning and reaching for God. Amen."

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Too Much Fun

21 July, 2009

Monday, July 20, 2009

Sugar Snap Pea

20 July, 2009

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Blessed

19 July, 2009

Saturday, July 18, 2009

"The Camera Don't Lie"

18 July, 2009

Friday, July 17, 2009

You're Fabulous

17 July, 2009

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Unsuccessful

16 July, 2009

"I 'earnt' them!"

15 July, 2009

The Wonder of It All

14 July, 2009

Color My World

13 July, 2009

Monday, July 13, 2009

Wild Things

"Mommy, Mommy, come quick, there is something in the front fence."

"What is it honey?"

"Oh it's a little mouse!"

"A real mouse or a pretend mouse?"

"A real mouse. Uhm . . . it's a baby fox!"

"A real baby fox or a pretend baby fox?" (I'm beginning to doubt this entire story now, and dragging my feet)

"A REAL baby fox!" (Hmm, "real" is usually still pretty accurate around here. I should probably head outside.)

"Inside the fence or outside the fence?" Slightly worried. "Did you touch it?"

"Nope. Outside the fence!"

"I'm coming. Is it moving?"

" It's dead. But not a lot of holes with bleed coming out. Just one hole, like this, with a little bit of bleed! Oh you're going to love it."

"I doubt it."

I step around the corner and see Shayk outside the fence.

"How did she get out?"

"She pushed!"

She's got a small pile of fur, still seems to be knawing . .

"Shayk, LEAVE IT!"

I go through the gate to find a small hole in the ground, lined with dried grass and fur. And a bit of fur left in the grass.

"Rayne, I think Shayk got it."

"Well, Cassie got one. Inside the fence! Then Shayky got that one."

"What???!"

"Cassie, then Shayky!"

"Oh, heavens."

I let Shayk back out, then feel guilty, shoo her away, and poke at the little hole with a stick making sure no tiny . . . somethings are left to be sacrificed. Nothing.

I'm guessing rabbit, from the fur, but could the nest be so tiny?

Shayk returns to Cassie, and they sniff around a grassy area inside the fence as though cleaning up after . . . whatever. Yeah, I'm thinking Cassie probably did have "one" inside the fence too.

I have no idea what it was that Rayne saw. Back inside the vinyl fence I notice that the gate has been actually gnawed, and no doubt pushed, to the extent that a screw has popped out of the cross support.

Sigh.

I have no reason for sharing this story at all . . . No moral, no great truth learned. To think, I put them outside to keep her safe . . .

Summer floats away

12 July, 2009



The trouble with summer is
It is much too warm to freeze.

Winter is solid. The moments come out hard and frozen.
Frozen moments keep better.

But, summer? No,
Summer floats. It is warm sunshine.

And if you try to hold on to the days, the chirping evenings, sun, grass, tomato plants . . .

Summer moments pop like bubbles. Better to let them float away and Watch.

Love

11 July, 2009



Never has there been purer love, than that of a three year old girl for a "precious, precious, so sweet" bug.

Pizza Friday

10 July, 2009

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Found Things

09 July, 2009






Hard Night's Work

08 July, 2009




Monday, July 6, 2009

I <3 Giveaways!

And here's a doozy of one!

Slices of cucumber picked moments before from the garden.

Hard work well rewarded.

Happy July!

Linking this so I can read it over, and over, and over . . . .

4 Paws for Whit

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iaIcCF8NQ5E

"Nobody made a greater mistake than he who did nothing because he could only do a little." Edmund Burke

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Of Cameras

I've misplaced mine. Again.

And I miss it. Holiday weekend, no pictures.

I am afraid I will not have evidence that it happened

If I don't have pictures of it.

Somehow things will get away.

Like the camera . . .

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Are You Serious??

So I figured out why I'm so mopey. Generally just dissatisfied this week, and I couldn't peg it. Until I let my fingers do the walking on Google earth . . . and found myself tiptoeing around West Grand Avenue. Homesick for the UP? What on earth?! And yet here I am.

It isn't that things were simpler then . . . certainly not easier. Looking out the window it becomes a little bit easier to understand. It's this cloudy summer weather. Weather that calls me to Lake Antoine, hoping to watch a storm rolling in . . . I want to feel at home.

A bit easier to understand, but still not logical. What am I missing? It's not a who, it's something else. I can walk down that street with arrow clicks, but I can't walk inside. What is calling me to look in the windows? What do I want to see so badly? I have lost something, and if I knew what it was, perhaps I could pull up the right picture and find it again.

Well, here I am.

Yup, that sums it up. Now to play around, tweak, and get to know this Thing that will be.