Sunday, February 24, 2013

It's The Same, Isn't It For Me?


I'm way far into this path of mine and still at the very beginning.  But either way I'm losing patience with myself on this issue.

I can see the progress.  I can see how it took time with each and every person to let go of who I needed them to be, to let my heart heal.

Still.  It keeps coming back.  People I loved, who I looked up to, who helped me become this person strong enough to take these steps to wholeness - I see nothing else about them has changed.  But now all I can see is the ugliness.  I see other people on their journeys so like mine being fed by these same gracious people.  And there is nothing left for me now.  I don't know how to reconcile the grace with the homophobia.

I see clearly that it is their issue, their fears.  It's not about me.  And still I keep trying.  I keep trying to fix my end of it.  Really, I don't want it to keep hurting.  I want to let it go.  I want to be better than that.

I'm like a grandmother with arthritis trying to let it go.  I'll push harder today.  Today I'll try better.  Today I'll love better!  I'll come up with a stronger mantra.  "I release them from who I thought they were, I accept them for who they are."  "This is not about me."  "I approve of myself radically so that I do not need the approval of others."  "Fuck."  Nothing changes.

They helped me on this journey!  They were the impetus!  They held me up when I had to take another step, getting closer.  And then they turned their back on me when I got here.  They say this wasn't an acceptable place to go.  They take the grace I leaned on and pull it out from under me.

And I don't want  it to keep hurting me.

The closest I've gotten is Mr. Rogers.

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Sometimes People Are Good

"Sometimes people are good
And they do just what they should.
But the very same people who are good sometimes
Are the very same people who are bad sometimes.
It's funny, but it's true.
It's the same, isn't it for me and...

Sometimes people get wet.
And their parents get upset.
But the very same people who get wet sometimes
Are the very same people who are dry sometimes.
It's funny, but it's true.
It's the same, isn't it for me and...

Sometimes people make noise
And they break each other's toys.
But the very same people who are noisy sometimes
Are the very same people who are quiet sometimes.
It's funny, but it's true.
It's the same, isn't it for me and...

Sometimes people get mad
And they feel like being bad.
But the very same people who are mad sometimes
Are the very same people who are glad sometimes.
It's funny, but it's true.
It's the same, isn't it for me and...

Sometimes people are good
And they do just what they should.
But the very same people who are good sometimes
Are the very same people who are bad sometimes.
It's funny, but it's true.
It's the same, isn't it for me...
Isn't it the same for you?"





1 comment:

  1. When I was 40 I was presented with a situation that left me stunned, hurt, angry and deeply disappointed. I was the woman I was raised to be - making my own choices about my life, being who I needed to be, raising my kids the way I felt was best for them. But was told that I was worthless as a human, a daughter and mother and not smart enough to make a sound decision as a parent by the woman who raised me to be the way I was.

    It came to me that as long as I lived by HER rules and what SHE believed in I was a good daughter. But, if I lived by (ironically) her example, making her own choices, living her life the way she felt was right for her, then I was not a good daughter nor a good person nor a good parent. There was no way she would ever accept me or appreciate me or love me for who I was...for who she raised me to be. And with that realization I stopped trying to gain her approval, her respect, her love, her acceptance. I walked away from the unhealthy relationship and will never again return to it.

    7 yrs later it still hurts. I suspect it always will. I love her for who she is, and accept her for who she is. But I also know that she will never change and to stay in that would be unhealthy for me - so I do all that loving and accepting from a distance. I miss my mother, her humor, her laughter, her love of her grandchildren (even though it is so incredibly conditional). I feel alone at times when I need a mom and there is not one there. But I have learned to live with it...I cannot subject myself to anyone who cannot respect me and love me for who I am unconditionally. So I take the gifts she gave me and thank her for those...and I use those gifts to stay strong and live my life the best I know how.

    But it still hurts...There is nothing for us to fix. There is nothing we can do to change anyone's mind - to help them accept us for who we are. All we can do is utilize the gifts they gave us - love ourselves - live truly as who we are - continue to be the best human we can be and raise our kids the best we can. In time they will either come around - or they won't. If they do, we can be gracious and accept them back in for they will have much to apologize for. And then we can share the wonderful person they helped us become with them again. HUGS to you...

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