Thursday, February 24, 2011

February

"And I said to the man who stood at the gate of the year: Give me a light that I may tread safely into the unknown. And he replied: Go out into the darkness and put your hand into the hand of God. That shall be to you better than light, and safer than a known way." Minnie L. Haskins

Saturday, February 5, 2011

The Invitation

The Invitation by Oriah

It doesn’t interest me
what you do for a living.
I want to know
what you ache for
and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me
how old you are.
I want to know
if you will risk
looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me
what planets are
squaring your moon...
I want to know
if you have touched
the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened
by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know
if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations
of being human.

It doesn’t interest me
if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear
the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know
if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me
who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me
where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know
what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know
if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like
the company you keep
in the empty moments.


from the book The Invitation

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Here's what it feels like

It feels like death most of the time. For a moment here, it feels really good. I'm looking forward to Wednesday night, the first time I will . . . do something. I don't know why it was a big step . . . yeah, I do. It's the first time I will try to reconcile my sexuality with my Christianity openly. I'm not alone. Surprisingly, a lot of people already know who I would have guessed would be the last to know. My nephews. I don't know what any of this means yet. At the moment I'm ok with the questions. I get nauseated a lot. :) Surprisingly is a word I want to use a lot. Surprisingly I don't get to take time off to deal with this. My daughter has some special needs, we need to look at therapy. A predatory loaner is taking us to collections. Medical and legal issues for an injury need to be tied up Wednesday morning. Groundhog day is coming. Surprisingly, I am wading through this still thinking "finding yourself" is a lot of bunk. Surprisingly, my husband has my back and has encouraged me more than anyone. Surprisingly, I have one really good friend who cares. Surprisingly, I'm not talking to my brave, brave sister. I feel like she's there and that's all I need. I just need her presence to know I'm not alone. For a week I felt like I was the only one with things so screwed up. Yesterday it dawned on me that so many people have walked this road ahead of me. I talked to a pastor on the phone who said "I am a lesbian." Silence. It's hard to find the silence to think. So I process and learn and move in the chaos because I cannot get out of it. There isn't a pause button on the world. I don't know what the future looks like, that's the scariest thing.