Sunday, February 24, 2013

It's The Same, Isn't It For Me?


I'm way far into this path of mine and still at the very beginning.  But either way I'm losing patience with myself on this issue.

I can see the progress.  I can see how it took time with each and every person to let go of who I needed them to be, to let my heart heal.

Still.  It keeps coming back.  People I loved, who I looked up to, who helped me become this person strong enough to take these steps to wholeness - I see nothing else about them has changed.  But now all I can see is the ugliness.  I see other people on their journeys so like mine being fed by these same gracious people.  And there is nothing left for me now.  I don't know how to reconcile the grace with the homophobia.

I see clearly that it is their issue, their fears.  It's not about me.  And still I keep trying.  I keep trying to fix my end of it.  Really, I don't want it to keep hurting.  I want to let it go.  I want to be better than that.

I'm like a grandmother with arthritis trying to let it go.  I'll push harder today.  Today I'll try better.  Today I'll love better!  I'll come up with a stronger mantra.  "I release them from who I thought they were, I accept them for who they are."  "This is not about me."  "I approve of myself radically so that I do not need the approval of others."  "Fuck."  Nothing changes.

They helped me on this journey!  They were the impetus!  They held me up when I had to take another step, getting closer.  And then they turned their back on me when I got here.  They say this wasn't an acceptable place to go.  They take the grace I leaned on and pull it out from under me.

And I don't want  it to keep hurting me.

The closest I've gotten is Mr. Rogers.

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Sometimes People Are Good

"Sometimes people are good
And they do just what they should.
But the very same people who are good sometimes
Are the very same people who are bad sometimes.
It's funny, but it's true.
It's the same, isn't it for me and...

Sometimes people get wet.
And their parents get upset.
But the very same people who get wet sometimes
Are the very same people who are dry sometimes.
It's funny, but it's true.
It's the same, isn't it for me and...

Sometimes people make noise
And they break each other's toys.
But the very same people who are noisy sometimes
Are the very same people who are quiet sometimes.
It's funny, but it's true.
It's the same, isn't it for me and...

Sometimes people get mad
And they feel like being bad.
But the very same people who are mad sometimes
Are the very same people who are glad sometimes.
It's funny, but it's true.
It's the same, isn't it for me and...

Sometimes people are good
And they do just what they should.
But the very same people who are good sometimes
Are the very same people who are bad sometimes.
It's funny, but it's true.
It's the same, isn't it for me...
Isn't it the same for you?"